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How Postpartum Psychosis Made Me Terrified Of My Own Baby

By Laura Silver

“My overriding feelings – psychotic feelings – were that ‘this baby is here forever’, and the idea of forever felt absolutely terrifying”.

Rebecca Hendin / BuzzFeed News

When Eve gave birth to her son, she was quickly overwhelmed with terror and a total fear of her baby for the next six months. Eve was suffering from postpartum psychosis. Here, she recalls her experiences to BuzzFeed News in the hope that she can show other mothers who may be feeling the same that recovery is possible.

It was lovely when I had my son Joe – my first and only baby – six years ago. Then, within a couple of hours, I lost it.

I had a caesarean and it all went well, even though it was a bit of a blur after he was taken out of me. I can’t remember him being handed to me.

My mum came into the postnatal ward after my husband John had phoned her to let her know the baby had been born.

“Evelyn, what’s wrong with you? You look glazed over,” was the first thing she said to me. I can remember that very clearly.

Looking back, I realise that was the first sign. She still says now, “Oh my god, that day that you had Joe, you looked like a zombie.”

It strikes that quickly. It can happen later too, but for me it was very quick.

I’d never had any mental health problems before. People who’ve experienced bipolar disorder can be at a higher risk of postpartum psychosis, but I’d had nothing more than a one-off panic attack when I was 14.

John had to leave the hospital almost as soon as I’d had the baby. I remember looking at Joe and instead of thinking …read more

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